Since becoming a fully fledged member of the VideogameUK review posse, I’ve been blessed with a multitude of half decent to pretty damned good titles. There hasn’t been much need to get out my sarcastic side and absolutely pan something that is so unbelievably bad that only reinstating Jedward back into X-Factor would be more of a travesty. Unfortunately my luck had to run out at some point and I’m afraid, dear discerning reader that the time to get torn in is upon us.
How on earth G.I. Joe managed to come out in such a state PARTICULARLY on the 360 and PS3 consoles is absolutely crazy. I’m sure it follows the movie to some degree and uses all the voice cast that were willing to spend time in the studio for this, but if this was to act as an advert for people to go and see the film then I’d rather grab a can of Dulux, find a wall and proceed to stare at said plaster based surface after painting it.
The story is loosely based on the summer blockbuster, but also adds in a few side stories and extra levels here and there, but even so the idea for the most part stays the same. There is no real difference between any of the areas in the game whatsoever, other than the scenery. The enemies are all rather samey, as are the attacks and don’t even get me started on the generic enemy quotes which seem to be loved so much by the coding staff that they must insist you hear them twice in a row, just to make sure it all sinks in.
If I’m honest (and I usually am) I thought this kind of cheesy, dull and very boring film tie in had sank along with the Titanic, but for some reason EA have decreed that is be resurrected and brought out of retirement for another go. Now, there are some genres that SHOULD be making comebacks, such as the humble Point’n’click adventure game, but G.I. Joe really does not help its corner by being as bad as it is. The closest thing I can come up with in terms of saying anything positive is that you can have 2 people playing together in co-op, which IS something more and more development houses are beginning to warm to, but I can’t work out how two people would WANT to play through this.
The problems are there for all to see. The graphics look about as bad as something on the PS2 almost 10 years ago, bearing in mind that the old Sony workhorse had some amazing titles such as God of War and Shadow of the Colossus. Compare them to this and the older generation wins hands down. Glitches aplenty run through this too. In the play through I did I saw AI ninjas rotating on the spot, enemy soldiers running around with their zip wires still clinging to themselves even though they’d been on the ground for quite some time and the best of the lot being a jeep that was about as laggy and jerky as anything I’ve ever seen online… only this wasn’t played over the net at all. Very bad. Even the aiming system is flawed, with your chosen character having an alarming desire to shoot at any bonus crates before attacking the soldiers of Cobra. You CAN change your target by moving the right stick, but this can get rather tedious and downright irritating.
The audio does its job as best it can, but it still feels artificial and a bit corny in some places. Everything all feels like it’s just being read off the sheet in front of the voice actors and that as long as it’s audible it will pass. On several occasions what I heard didn’t match the subtitles that came up to accompany the speech, which might not sound like a lot, but to me it just adds to the feeling of “get it out as fast as possible” that this title has in abundance.
I know this is for kids, but a look at the box got me thinking. This game is aged for a 16+ audience, so if this is aimed at the younger generation, bearing in mind that there’s been all this talk about PEGI ratings being law, how the hell is any kid going to be able to play it? The first Modern Warfare was the same rating as this and if there was a choice for the teenagers between this and CoD 4, we all know who would prevail.
Another thing I can’t fathom out is how the co-op was not made online compatible. Maybe I’ve played Gears of War too much, but not including the option to play with anyone on your friends list is rather surprising and a very bad omission in my view. Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga allowed this and shows how a game based on a movie should be done, rather than what’s on show here.
I wish I could say something positive about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, but I can’t. The graphics are poor, the AI is laughable and the general feel of the game is second rate and something that we should have left back in the depths of consoles past. This positively reeks of a cash-in job and EA have pretty much demanded something be made in time to coincide with the launch of a blockbuster movie. There are so many other games of this style that are done a whole lot better, and most of them have the word Lego at the start. Indiana Jones 2 hit the shelves last week and includes a level editor to play with your friends when they come round, therefore offering infinite possibilities in terms of level design. G.I. Joe just offers a generic throwback on how NOT to make a movie related game.
The war cry is meant to be “GO JOE!!!” I wish it would just go and let me get back to playing something decent.
Come on EA, you’re better than this.
VideogameUK verdict: 3/10
